Our
little Tina is now 3 years old. She has been talking about having a
sibling for the past year or so now. She turns 4 in March and I'm sure
like many other first-born, they expect or want someone to play with.
Well, it's that way with my Tina. When Tina realized her cousins were
having siblings, she assumed more so she would have a sibling as well.
She would ask her cousins or her aunties if she could take their baby
home. Anytime she see's a baby she runs up to them to greet and interact
with them, whether it is at the store or at church. She first thought
babies were bought from the store. Haha. After noticing her concern, I
sat down with her and explained where babies came from and that we
needed to pray to Heavenly Father. Not a few weeks ago she asked, 'Well,
when is Heavenly Father going to put a baby in your tummy? It's taking a
long long day.' I then sat down with her and showed her a video of the
different stages it takes for a baby to develop and when the time is
right it would take a few months for the baby to grow in my stomach,
kind of like a flower. I explained to her how we need to have faith and
trust Heavenly Father. She continues to pretend she has siblings. She
tells people she'll have a sister. She recently drew a picture of our
family: 'Daddy, mommy, me(Tina) and my sister' (posted on my IG
account). Whenever we're at the store she'll run over to the baby
section and pick out toys 'this is for my baby sister mom'. I tell her,
'when you have a baby sister you can help mommy pick out toys, but for
now let's put them away. I'll tell you when mommy has a baby in her
tummy, okay?' 'Okay mom, I can't wait to get toys for my baby sister.
She'll be so happy.' Every day, it's something new. I love talking to
her about these kinds of things and I'm kind of surprised with how
patient and hopeful she is.
It
makes me sad sometimes to think of how much she ponders on this
subject. John and I, I would say, haven't really tried, but more so
hoped we'd have another child by now. I wasn't on any kind of
contraception, so we expected to be pregnant. When Tina was almost two,
we were ready. We wanted another child more because we wanted to simply
'multiply and replenish the earth' (Genesis 1:28) and for Tina to have a
sibling. But...it didn't happen. We never expressed our thoughts and
feelings about how it made us feel, but we were sad and confused. For a
while I would question a lot of things. Yes, I know, but I am Human. Why
would parents who don't know how to parent have kids? After much prayer
and frequent visits to the temple I became content with just Tina and
the fact we had fertility issues. My faith was being tested and I failed
over and over in realizing that, until early of last year. Every week I
attended the temple. In the celestial room, after each session, I just
poured my heart out in prayer and asked Heavenly Father to comfort me
and if it be His will, it would happen. I also sought professionals.
God does ask of us to seek help of others if it necessary and I thought
part of being human, it was necessary that my body could/might be
dealing with issues. I wanted to try my best in doing all that I could
as I trusted in God to do His. I did make visits to my Obgyn to see if I
had any problems or anything that caused our infertility, but
everything seemed okay on my end. John on the other hand, hasn't really
made an effort. I think it's a guy thing, but after last year I just
gave up on him with turning in his semen for testing. When I went for my
annual check up last March my Obgyn gave me instructions to give to
John on how to go about his testing, but after months of trying to have
him go, He finally told me he was afraid to find out he was the issue or
that we wouldn't be able to have another baby again and I would leave.
Lol. I told him how it would just be nice knowing. Ya know? Sometimes
women have late periods and what do we most expect happens when we're
late? Right, that we're pregnant. It's the worst feeling to have; to
think you're pregnant to find out a few days later you just had a late
start. I know we would both be sad if we couldn't conceive again, but
we'd get over it just knowing. I think. But idk, is it better knowing or
not knowing? What do you think? I guess it depends on the situation.
Anyways, I went for another annual check up this past month in November.
Again, I have a healthy system. He suggested different things I could
try, or if John would be willing to corporate this time. I laughed and
replied that I'd see if John would be up for it. This past October, I
also made a visit to a Chiropractor my SIL suggested I see. From what I
hear, he's really great with what he does. He specializes in all the
muscles of the body. When I visited him he reset my (I'm not sure what
you'd call it) my pressure points that were weak. I guess those pressure
points connect to the female reproductive system. It's kind of like
certain pressure points in your feet that need massaging that some how
help another part of your body/muscle such as your back or something. If
that makes any sense, lol. After seeing him in October he was confident
that we would get pregnant in the next month or two. I think it's still
too early to tell, but I haven't been on top of tracking my ovulation
anyways. In other words, I haven't really been trying. It's kind of like
having that feeling of finally having something you hoped to have that
you were incapable of, but now that's it's possible and it's right in
front of you, you're not ready. Well, I'm totally freaked out about the
thought of having another child. I think because I'm not ready to take
on having to care for another child alone. I don't want to be that mom
that complains (more, lol, because I'm already that mom) about not
having help change the baby's diaper, clean, cook and take them to
church. (I need to practice more faith, don't judge.) There's nothing
more beautiful than having a child, don't get me wrong, they're
blessings, but a child deserves the same in return. Not just necessities
of life, but stable spiritually and emotionally as well.
These
are just my thoughts. I know everyone has their own beliefs and
perspective on things. Just because you can't get pregnant doesn't mean
it's because God is punishing you or your not worthy of it, it's just
part of being human. Our bodies go through complications as mentioned
when we shouted for joy to come to earth to obtain bodies. We knew what
we were getting ourselves into, it's just the matter of trusting the
Lord. There is another better and brighter life after earth life where
we'll be able to continue to multiply. Infertility is temporary. Life's
challenges are temporary. To some, fertility comes easy and naturally.
It's not an issue, but it's not because they're more deserving than
someone else. It takes greater faith for them to be in tune with the
spirit to know if bearing a child is right. We have teens who are
getting pregnant, if God wanted to, I'm sure He would prevent it from
happening. Same goes for those that can't provide. There's children who
are parent-less, have no shelter or food. There's so much God could've
done to prevent a lot of turmoil in this life. Our faith is just being
tested. Things don't just happen for a reason, it happens from being in
tune with the spirit or from our own carelessness. But God never leaves
us hanging. When we're not ready, He's right there to support us as long
as we seek Him. God does bless those who unexpectedly get pregnant.
Same goes for those who have a hard time conceiving. He's there to
comfort us and give us strength. We don't always get what we want,
neither can we prevent things from happening, but God is always on our
side. There's always so many children too, whether it be in your family
or not, who need parenting or who needs to be mothered by you.
I'm
ready whenever it happens. I'm preparing myself to be ready. For now,
I'm okay. Okay with the fact we're unable to conceive now. I'm content
with Tina. I'm grateful to have Tina and for the joy she fills our home
with. Her little spirit is everything and more of what we need in our
family. We are blessed to have her as our first born & as our only
child for now. I know if I continue to trust in Him everything will work
out for the best. I've made an effort to seek help from Dr.'s, so now
it's in God's hand. I know there's a bright future a head of us if I
trust in the Lord.
